Sunday, 18 March 2007

...work, struggles, depression...

The first job I got after becoming a Christian was at a language school as an admin assistant. The first thing I noticed was just how bitchy and negative it was. I struggled majorly with this which was odd coz I would’ve been in my element before. It wasn’t a feeling I was used to, it must have been the Holy Spirit working in me or something, and I actually found myself opposing their negativities with a whole new confidence, which I never would‘ve done previously.

I found that after not much time at all though, the lack of work I was given and the tedious ‘same thing every day’ work that I was being given was getting me down. I found the work full of pointlessness and I wasn’t even allowed to read away the hours with a good book… I just couldn’t find anything to motivate me in the job, and I actually found myself being dragged into the moaning attitudes of others around me. I decided again that I would hand in my notice, and I quite quickly got a job at Davison, a C of E girls high school, as a learning support assistant. I started 3 days after the language school notice period was up which was handy!

Working at the school taught me so much about how awesomely blessed I am in comparison with so many kids who have really rough home lives. I read the files of some of these girls and it absolutely broke my heart. It wasn’t a surprise that they couldn’t concentrate in lessons and got themselves into mischief… absolutely appalling!

Working with girls who just don’t see the point in learning or can’t get their brain in gear long enough to listen to basic instructions or have medical problems was a humungous challenge and one I got so much pleasure from. My patience was forced into overdrive and my self-control, in not smacking some of them round the head, was also tested!

At the end of the day, my relationship with God grew quickly because of the massive challenge that was put in front of me. I had no choice but to call on him for wisdom and strength. Girls were coming to me with serious problems, things I could never solve, but God taught me to just show love and compassion and most of all, he showed me how to listen. I couldn’t help but to take some of these stories home with me to dwell on in my heart - I came across some really rough stuff!

In March, 6 months into the job, something went awry, and I had a bit of an emotional dilemma when I was struck with this crazy excitement and jitteriness that meant I couldn’t do my job. This elation lasted over a week and was accompanied by an intense headache and nausea that although was very painful, didn’t once get me down, but actually did the opposite and made me laugh when it got intense. It was actually quite scary and I did fear for my sanity, but all the time God was with me, speaking to me and giving me peace throughout. I actually received a lot of revelation from God at this time and read the bible in the times where I couldn’t work.

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