Good God!

I have to admit, God is good!

However much I wanna be angry at him for one reason or another or ignore him coz I feel like he's ignored me, or run away coz I don't feel like God loves me or cares or does anything in my favour (even though that's ridiculous and completely untrue!). Even when I swear or drink too much wine or get myself in a grump to prove something to God or myself (or whatever stupid reason it is I do these things, I dunno!), even then he is faithful and his love is unchanging. He gives me breath when I'm angry and he gives me breath when I'm full of joy. He loves me when I'm naughty or stupid and he loves me when I'm good and smart.

God shows his love in different ways according to our behaviour and our reception of that love, I reckon. I mean, sometimes God is silent and that's coz we need to learn to listen better and perhaps prove the faith that says he's there amongst other reasons I'm sure. God won't always talk us through every step of our life's journey coz he wants us to grow in faith and confidence and ability.

God disciplines all his children, and however rough this may be at the time, it's God, yet again, showing his love in teaching us the right way and not allowing us to run off down the path of destruction.

God Almighty speaks to us mere humans and he loves to do so. He speaks to us in visions, by his Word, through pictures, dreams, circumstances, other people and sometimes, most painfully through silence.

I know that my part to play in mine and God's relationship isn't all that great at the moment and I so want God to touch my heart and shake me in to gear to worship him with my whole life. I so want to make my desires his, to understand his rebuke, to take time out with him, to be in a place to receive his peace. I so want to have more energy for him and to snap out of this demotivated state.

I'm not gonna try to explain coz it feels and sounds pathetic, but let's just say, yes, it does feel completely ridiculous and like I should be able to realise that being grumpy and anxious isn't getting me anywhere (but even more grumpy!) Yes, you'd think that knowing God is good and loving that it would be easy to come to him and rest in his arms and pray to him and seek his will. Yes, it is a struggle just to get up in the morning, but so is it for so many others. No, life isn't a big bundle of candy floss and I shouldn't expect it to be. Life is full of trials and I guess I'm just having one of them now. I don't want a quick fix, I don't need a solution, I want a heart change and a lesson from what God can teach me in this struggle. I want what God is doing to be fruitful in the long run, I want to trust him, I want to be sanctified. Unrealistic expectations? I don't know.