...prom...'woman'...college

At the close of high school, at prom, I decided it was a good time to do the deed and become a ‘woman’… what a huge mistake! I didn’t enjoy prom all that much if I’m honest, mainly because we weren’t allowed alcohol and I just wanted to get wasted as I didn’t have much to say to people and I felt quite uncomfortable in my dress. I left early with my friend and went to hers where we started on the alco-pops and got ready for the after-party which was due to be much more fun…

Well I got absolutely wasted and decided it was time to get sex. I did the most appalling thing and asked a group of boys, ‘Who wants to have sex with me?’ when one guy said yes, I walked him to my friend’s summer house, prostitute style, and we fumbled around uncomfortably in the dark, all the while I was wishing I could run away but didn’t. I had tights on which caused a bit of confusion with my chosen partner, yet we got past that hurdle, and once he’d worked out how to use a condom, we did the business (with my tights still round my ankles and my throat hurting from holding back the tears). Yeah, not the ideal way to make ‘love’ for the first time. Once it was all over, I cried to my friends but was so hammered that I brushed it off quite easily. I still remember the horror of it though, to this day!

College time... I think it was quite early days at college when I had some sort of virus a bit like glandular fever. I had major tonsillitis and humungous golf-ball like glands in my neck along with other aches and pains and quite serious depression. This was about the time I was going out with my longest-term boyfriend, Warren. He was 3 years older than me and we got on really well…at first. I think I must have been such a nightmare girlfriend. I had way too many issues, and was incredibly clingy and untrusting of him, poor guy. We did have a sexual relationship, quite frequently in fact, but I don’t remember one time when we had sex that I hadn’t been drinking before hand. I never felt comfortable or particularly satisfied I have to admit, and also, there was no way I was gonna let him see me naked as my self-esteem was no better! Bit of a tricky situation in all!

I pretty much stopped smoking when I was going out with Warren coz he asked me to, but drinking surely became more frequent, and I lied to him about all the bongs I was smoking on the sly!

It was the second year of college, when me and Warren had split up, that the cannabis smoking became pretty much daily and much more potent, and as my tolerance went up, so did the amount I was smoking! I really didn’t enjoy the second year of college - I was incredibly self-conscious and struggled hugely with motivation and I don’t think smoking a joint before my maths lessons helped all that much with concentration and understanding (although at times, being spaced out was a help and I saw maths like I never had before!! I’m not condoning it however!)

College parties were frequent and messy and there was a lot of ‘boy action’ and the like. I had to be centre of attention on the dance floor., I liked to make my presence known! I’d be downing doubles like there was no tomorrow and sneaking in skunk filled commercial cigarettes that I‘d taken literally hours to prepare before hand.

College really wasn’t a joy for me, however it might have looked on the outside… I was properly screwed up inside and just crying for help and someone to understand me… I was relieved when it was over.