My testimony... in bits... school days...

THIS IS MY LIFE STORY…

I went to The Angmering School from the age of 11. I did quite enjoy my school days and was quite good at it in regards to lessons and performance. I got good GCSE’s but was really quite self-conscious about my work and wouldn’t let my parents watch any music things I was in and I wouldn’t show them my art for fear of failure and rejection I guess. I was embarrassed of my self and didn’t want to be a let down.

I don’t think I was a particularly good friend when I was at school, I was pretty much a picker and chooser in that if someone tickled my fancy I’d like them, and if someone did something to get on my nerves I didn’t like them (and I’d probably bitch about them quite severely behind their back). I guess I was a typical teenager in that sense and had a few hair-pulling cat-fight incidents!

I would say I was in the ‘cool crowd’ although I never felt at home there and was constantly trying to impress everyone which just NEVER works - I think I would’ve been a lot more at home in the ‘muppet’ crowd come to think of it!!! But then again, I probably would’ve been bullied by people like me. I was a real bitch at times and I caused a lot of pain to a lot of people for which I am so utterly sorry now! I think my lack of self-esteem showed itself in how I treated others actually and I tried to make myself feel better by making other’s lives a misery. I don’t know why my self-esteem was so low…

While I was in year 7, moving into year 8, my dad got bowel cancer and that freaked me out big time. I didn’t actually know what a bowel was and remember looking it up in the ‘Readers Digest Family Health’ book when I found out he was gonna have to have a ‘colostomy bag,’ whatever that was! I also remember trying to write down what was happening to my friends because I couldn’t talk, but I didn’t know how to spell ‘tumour’ and frankly I wasn’t sure what it was anyway.

Pretty much, I prepared myself for my dad to die. I became quite depressed at this time and remember a considerable amount of time coming home from school and going to my room bawling my eyes out and turning up my music. I ate a lot of food as well! I also tried to talk to my music teacher about it, going to her office most mornings when I got to school early, and just crying at her. I couldn’t bring myself to say the word ‘colostomy’ and I remember her making me write it down and I felt so stupid. I was in a right state! I hated my dad for a considerable amount of time, though I couldn’t tell you why except that when he didn’t die, I then had to adjust again to the fact that he was still around. Also, I found all the stuff that was in the bathroom and the funny smell he left behind when he’d come out mortifyingly embarrassing. I had issues!

I started smoking when I was probably about 13, spending my lunchtimes behind the bike sheds or ‘up the field’ at school and going down the park and to East Preston youth club in the evenings. I remember in year 9 as well, taking quite a bit of alcohol to school and keeping it in my locker until ’sleepover time’ when we’d stay round somebody’s house after being down the park drinking, flirting and getting up to no good. Looking back… what a muppet!