You're beautiful God, so beautiful beyond description as the song quite rightly says.
Everything that we think is beautiful comes from you, and for that matter, everything that we don't think is beautiful but is comes from you too.
The way the world stays held together and speaks volumes to us without words through Creation, your wonderful and beautiful creation. The Creation that shows us who you are and expresses your love. The Creation that says 'I care about you and I want to show you my love'. The Creation that makes us like you enough to be able to have a relationship with you, a beautiful and intimate relationship. But the Creation that makes us unlike you enough to make you mind bogglingly beatiful and awesome and just God!
Your beauty goes beyond sight, sound, touch, smell and taste... your beauty is way down deep and pumps through our whole body. Each amazingly unique and beautiful body that you formed and sculptured to your glory. Every heart that has different desires and hopes is pumped with your love.
God is there any way I can hold on to your beauty, any way your beauty can remind me of you in everything I do. Although your beauty is always right in front of me, I so often look straight past it and I look to myself and my needs and my desires and my future and my worries and my purposes. These things are like a big fat block that hides you from me. How can I get myself so bogged down with things when all I really want is you!
Help me to see you my God. Help me to live my life with an undivided heart and with eyes that look to you, and a purpose that is filled with you and your incredible love.
Speak to me Father God coz you're still feeling distant even though it also feels like you're right by my side, holding my hand. Let me have your hand God. Let me show you my love.
I love you so much but as my Becky said recently, words are so pathetic when it comes to trying to explain these things!
Saturday, 31 March 2007
Sunday, 25 March 2007
A little place in New Zealand called Wanaka
How flippin' beautiful! God made every last detail of this scenic spot... every drop of water, he placed... every pebble, every tree, every grain of sand, every creature and every rock.
What an awesome God! Our God is good and he doesn't only show us his love in what he does with us and for us personally, but he shows his love in Creation and nature, in animals, in plants, in the bigs and in the smalls. God gives us everything that it can be used for good to show his love and to help explain more of his character. We might not get that right very much, but it's all Created out of the love of an amazing God. Thank you!
Good God!
I have to admit, God is good!
However much I wanna be angry at him for one reason or another or ignore him coz I feel like he's ignored me, or run away coz I don't feel like God loves me or cares or does anything in my favour (even though that's ridiculous and completely untrue!). Even when I swear or drink too much wine or get myself in a grump to prove something to God or myself (or whatever stupid reason it is I do these things, I dunno!), even then he is faithful and his love is unchanging. He gives me breath when I'm angry and he gives me breath when I'm full of joy. He loves me when I'm naughty or stupid and he loves me when I'm good and smart.
God shows his love in different ways according to our behaviour and our reception of that love, I reckon. I mean, sometimes God is silent and that's coz we need to learn to listen better and perhaps prove the faith that says he's there amongst other reasons I'm sure. God won't always talk us through every step of our life's journey coz he wants us to grow in faith and confidence and ability.
God disciplines all his children, and however rough this may be at the time, it's God, yet again, showing his love in teaching us the right way and not allowing us to run off down the path of destruction.
God Almighty speaks to us mere humans and he loves to do so. He speaks to us in visions, by his Word, through pictures, dreams, circumstances, other people and sometimes, most painfully through silence.
I know that my part to play in mine and God's relationship isn't all that great at the moment and I so want God to touch my heart and shake me in to gear to worship him with my whole life. I so want to make my desires his, to understand his rebuke, to take time out with him, to be in a place to receive his peace. I so want to have more energy for him and to snap out of this demotivated state.
I'm not gonna try to explain coz it feels and sounds pathetic, but let's just say, yes, it does feel completely ridiculous and like I should be able to realise that being grumpy and anxious isn't getting me anywhere (but even more grumpy!) Yes, you'd think that knowing God is good and loving that it would be easy to come to him and rest in his arms and pray to him and seek his will. Yes, it is a struggle just to get up in the morning, but so is it for so many others. No, life isn't a big bundle of candy floss and I shouldn't expect it to be. Life is full of trials and I guess I'm just having one of them now. I don't want a quick fix, I don't need a solution, I want a heart change and a lesson from what God can teach me in this struggle. I want what God is doing to be fruitful in the long run, I want to trust him, I want to be sanctified. Unrealistic expectations? I don't know.
However much I wanna be angry at him for one reason or another or ignore him coz I feel like he's ignored me, or run away coz I don't feel like God loves me or cares or does anything in my favour (even though that's ridiculous and completely untrue!). Even when I swear or drink too much wine or get myself in a grump to prove something to God or myself (or whatever stupid reason it is I do these things, I dunno!), even then he is faithful and his love is unchanging. He gives me breath when I'm angry and he gives me breath when I'm full of joy. He loves me when I'm naughty or stupid and he loves me when I'm good and smart.
God shows his love in different ways according to our behaviour and our reception of that love, I reckon. I mean, sometimes God is silent and that's coz we need to learn to listen better and perhaps prove the faith that says he's there amongst other reasons I'm sure. God won't always talk us through every step of our life's journey coz he wants us to grow in faith and confidence and ability.
God disciplines all his children, and however rough this may be at the time, it's God, yet again, showing his love in teaching us the right way and not allowing us to run off down the path of destruction.
God Almighty speaks to us mere humans and he loves to do so. He speaks to us in visions, by his Word, through pictures, dreams, circumstances, other people and sometimes, most painfully through silence.
I know that my part to play in mine and God's relationship isn't all that great at the moment and I so want God to touch my heart and shake me in to gear to worship him with my whole life. I so want to make my desires his, to understand his rebuke, to take time out with him, to be in a place to receive his peace. I so want to have more energy for him and to snap out of this demotivated state.
I'm not gonna try to explain coz it feels and sounds pathetic, but let's just say, yes, it does feel completely ridiculous and like I should be able to realise that being grumpy and anxious isn't getting me anywhere (but even more grumpy!) Yes, you'd think that knowing God is good and loving that it would be easy to come to him and rest in his arms and pray to him and seek his will. Yes, it is a struggle just to get up in the morning, but so is it for so many others. No, life isn't a big bundle of candy floss and I shouldn't expect it to be. Life is full of trials and I guess I'm just having one of them now. I don't want a quick fix, I don't need a solution, I want a heart change and a lesson from what God can teach me in this struggle. I want what God is doing to be fruitful in the long run, I want to trust him, I want to be sanctified. Unrealistic expectations? I don't know.
Saturday, 24 March 2007
Generosity
'Out of the most severe trial, their overflowing joy and extreme poverty welled up in rich generosity. For I testify that they gave as much as they were able, and even beyond their ability.' (2 Corinthians 8:2-3)
Just thought that was pretty cool!
Just thought that was pretty cool!
Friday, 23 March 2007
Job's misery
I just read this for my morning feed from Word for Today, and I have to say it spoke volumes!
'Even today my complaint is bitter; his hand is heavy in spite of my groaning. If only I knew where to find him; if only I could go to his dwelling!...But if I go to the east, he is not there; if I go to the west I do not find him. When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimse of him. But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me I shall come forth as gold... I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread.' (Job 23)
I realised through reading this, that Job, a 'blameless and upright man, who fears God and shuns evil' (what God himself says about him!!) has been devestated with loss that he didn't 'deserve' all for the glory of God and to show Job's righteousness to Satan (as it says in the beginning of Job). Now I doubt that from where Job was standing it looked much like he was glorifying God or even much use to anyone... he was complaining and graoning and couldn't fathom what was happening to him. He wasn't exactly in a position to jump up and down praising God for all he's made... yet he does praise God in his situation, so often and so simply, by showing his dependance on God and longing for God even though he can't understand or bring himself to sing. He's lost everything but he still has God and knows it. He shows his trust in God even though he questions why God could do such a thing to him.
It reminded me of me actually! I have been looking everywhere for God recently, feeling churned up inside and very much like nobody can understand. I haven't really even tried to explain coz I can't. I've been praying to what feels like the ceiling and have missed God in my daily life. I've been looking to do the right thing, but feel completely clueless as to what God wants from me. I'm definite that God is hearing every word from my lips even if it feels to me like they're rebounding off the walls into thin air.
Another passage from Word for Today was from Psalm 55. And it's verse 22 that says, 'Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.' And it's funny actually coz I was only reading this to my small group girls just last night and praying about it. It happened to be on a card in my Bible from where I'd moved all my stuff home yesterday and just shoved bits in my Bible for easy transportation. I'd taken everything else out but obviously missed this little bit of card!
Now, however unrightous I might feel, God says I am holy and blameless in his sight so he's not gonna let me fall! 'For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight'!!! (Eph.1:4)
Amen to that
'Even today my complaint is bitter; his hand is heavy in spite of my groaning. If only I knew where to find him; if only I could go to his dwelling!...But if I go to the east, he is not there; if I go to the west I do not find him. When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimse of him. But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me I shall come forth as gold... I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread.' (Job 23)
I realised through reading this, that Job, a 'blameless and upright man, who fears God and shuns evil' (what God himself says about him!!) has been devestated with loss that he didn't 'deserve' all for the glory of God and to show Job's righteousness to Satan (as it says in the beginning of Job). Now I doubt that from where Job was standing it looked much like he was glorifying God or even much use to anyone... he was complaining and graoning and couldn't fathom what was happening to him. He wasn't exactly in a position to jump up and down praising God for all he's made... yet he does praise God in his situation, so often and so simply, by showing his dependance on God and longing for God even though he can't understand or bring himself to sing. He's lost everything but he still has God and knows it. He shows his trust in God even though he questions why God could do such a thing to him.
It reminded me of me actually! I have been looking everywhere for God recently, feeling churned up inside and very much like nobody can understand. I haven't really even tried to explain coz I can't. I've been praying to what feels like the ceiling and have missed God in my daily life. I've been looking to do the right thing, but feel completely clueless as to what God wants from me. I'm definite that God is hearing every word from my lips even if it feels to me like they're rebounding off the walls into thin air.
Another passage from Word for Today was from Psalm 55. And it's verse 22 that says, 'Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.' And it's funny actually coz I was only reading this to my small group girls just last night and praying about it. It happened to be on a card in my Bible from where I'd moved all my stuff home yesterday and just shoved bits in my Bible for easy transportation. I'd taken everything else out but obviously missed this little bit of card!
Now, however unrightous I might feel, God says I am holy and blameless in his sight so he's not gonna let me fall! 'For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight'!!! (Eph.1:4)
Amen to that
Sunday, 18 March 2007
Oh I do go on!
Sorry if you're actually reading this! I decided to write my testimony the other day and it kinda went on a bit longer than I'd imagined so I broke it up when I posted it but couldn't be bothered to wait and do a bit a day so I whaked it all out at once... quite an emotional thing to do actually!
Hope you enjoy it x
Hope you enjoy it x
...more depression...
After my bout of week long elation, it started to hurtle the other way and kept on going the other way until I felt really quite depressed and sorry for myself. That was a hugely intense time in my life, and however much people tell you and however much you want to just ‘pull yourself together‘, it seems an absolutely impossible and even more depressing task!
I felt so low and pathetic that at times I genuinely wanted my life to end, just to slip off the edge of the page, for God to just make me vanish. I couldn’t see any point in living if I was gonna feel this way, and I certainly couldn’t see a way out that was in the too near future. Saying that though, although the pain in my mind and with my emotions was huge, and for apparently no clear reason, there was something keeping me going, and that was my hope in what God had up his sleeve.
God was still speaking to me, whispering comfort in my ear just when I needed it most. I could by no means hear his voice all the time, but the times I could gave me strength beyond compare and at least hinted a way out, a light at the end of the tunnel perhaps.
The period of depression that I went through (and am still going through to an extent) brought me a much deeper understanding of other people and helped me not to judge others so quick. I mean, I was physically unable to do anything of the ordinary all due to my emotional blunder and I had no choice but to depend on God and other people. It really was life-changing!
I’m not saying that depression is good, and I’m certainly not advising that you go looking for it, but it didn’t half teach me a lot. Also, something else that I sometimes forget to mention is the prayers I was lifting up to God not long before my whole episode came about… I was praying that God would show me himself more clearly (which he did actually when he appeared to me in a vision and touched my face whilst I was having my elated patch which was amazing and I never wanted that feeling to end!), I was praying that he would change my character to be more like him…whatever it took (big mistake!!), I was also praying for a deeper relationship with him and others (especially my family) and looking back, through my depression he has answered all of them, whether I could see the good he was working or not. God's come through for me in an amazing way and shown that he is so faithful!
I don’t really know how to end my testimony, so I’ll just say God is good! Even when you’re far from him or hurting or struggling, he is always by your side and on your side. God has shown me things I never could’ve dreamed of and has a love for me that is incomparable to anything else I know, and although my walk with him is rough at times, when I’m finding it hard to trust him, I know that he is faithful and in all things he works for the good of those who love him. And I love him!
I felt so low and pathetic that at times I genuinely wanted my life to end, just to slip off the edge of the page, for God to just make me vanish. I couldn’t see any point in living if I was gonna feel this way, and I certainly couldn’t see a way out that was in the too near future. Saying that though, although the pain in my mind and with my emotions was huge, and for apparently no clear reason, there was something keeping me going, and that was my hope in what God had up his sleeve.
God was still speaking to me, whispering comfort in my ear just when I needed it most. I could by no means hear his voice all the time, but the times I could gave me strength beyond compare and at least hinted a way out, a light at the end of the tunnel perhaps.
The period of depression that I went through (and am still going through to an extent) brought me a much deeper understanding of other people and helped me not to judge others so quick. I mean, I was physically unable to do anything of the ordinary all due to my emotional blunder and I had no choice but to depend on God and other people. It really was life-changing!
I’m not saying that depression is good, and I’m certainly not advising that you go looking for it, but it didn’t half teach me a lot. Also, something else that I sometimes forget to mention is the prayers I was lifting up to God not long before my whole episode came about… I was praying that God would show me himself more clearly (which he did actually when he appeared to me in a vision and touched my face whilst I was having my elated patch which was amazing and I never wanted that feeling to end!), I was praying that he would change my character to be more like him…whatever it took (big mistake!!), I was also praying for a deeper relationship with him and others (especially my family) and looking back, through my depression he has answered all of them, whether I could see the good he was working or not. God's come through for me in an amazing way and shown that he is so faithful!
I don’t really know how to end my testimony, so I’ll just say God is good! Even when you’re far from him or hurting or struggling, he is always by your side and on your side. God has shown me things I never could’ve dreamed of and has a love for me that is incomparable to anything else I know, and although my walk with him is rough at times, when I’m finding it hard to trust him, I know that he is faithful and in all things he works for the good of those who love him. And I love him!
...work, struggles, depression...
The first job I got after becoming a Christian was at a language school as an admin assistant. The first thing I noticed was just how bitchy and negative it was. I struggled majorly with this which was odd coz I would’ve been in my element before. It wasn’t a feeling I was used to, it must have been the Holy Spirit working in me or something, and I actually found myself opposing their negativities with a whole new confidence, which I never would‘ve done previously.
I found that after not much time at all though, the lack of work I was given and the tedious ‘same thing every day’ work that I was being given was getting me down. I found the work full of pointlessness and I wasn’t even allowed to read away the hours with a good book… I just couldn’t find anything to motivate me in the job, and I actually found myself being dragged into the moaning attitudes of others around me. I decided again that I would hand in my notice, and I quite quickly got a job at Davison, a C of E girls high school, as a learning support assistant. I started 3 days after the language school notice period was up which was handy!
Working at the school taught me so much about how awesomely blessed I am in comparison with so many kids who have really rough home lives. I read the files of some of these girls and it absolutely broke my heart. It wasn’t a surprise that they couldn’t concentrate in lessons and got themselves into mischief… absolutely appalling!
Working with girls who just don’t see the point in learning or can’t get their brain in gear long enough to listen to basic instructions or have medical problems was a humungous challenge and one I got so much pleasure from. My patience was forced into overdrive and my self-control, in not smacking some of them round the head, was also tested!
At the end of the day, my relationship with God grew quickly because of the massive challenge that was put in front of me. I had no choice but to call on him for wisdom and strength. Girls were coming to me with serious problems, things I could never solve, but God taught me to just show love and compassion and most of all, he showed me how to listen. I couldn’t help but to take some of these stories home with me to dwell on in my heart - I came across some really rough stuff!
In March, 6 months into the job, something went awry, and I had a bit of an emotional dilemma when I was struck with this crazy excitement and jitteriness that meant I couldn’t do my job. This elation lasted over a week and was accompanied by an intense headache and nausea that although was very painful, didn’t once get me down, but actually did the opposite and made me laugh when it got intense. It was actually quite scary and I did fear for my sanity, but all the time God was with me, speaking to me and giving me peace throughout. I actually received a lot of revelation from God at this time and read the bible in the times where I couldn’t work.
I found that after not much time at all though, the lack of work I was given and the tedious ‘same thing every day’ work that I was being given was getting me down. I found the work full of pointlessness and I wasn’t even allowed to read away the hours with a good book… I just couldn’t find anything to motivate me in the job, and I actually found myself being dragged into the moaning attitudes of others around me. I decided again that I would hand in my notice, and I quite quickly got a job at Davison, a C of E girls high school, as a learning support assistant. I started 3 days after the language school notice period was up which was handy!
Working at the school taught me so much about how awesomely blessed I am in comparison with so many kids who have really rough home lives. I read the files of some of these girls and it absolutely broke my heart. It wasn’t a surprise that they couldn’t concentrate in lessons and got themselves into mischief… absolutely appalling!
Working with girls who just don’t see the point in learning or can’t get their brain in gear long enough to listen to basic instructions or have medical problems was a humungous challenge and one I got so much pleasure from. My patience was forced into overdrive and my self-control, in not smacking some of them round the head, was also tested!
At the end of the day, my relationship with God grew quickly because of the massive challenge that was put in front of me. I had no choice but to call on him for wisdom and strength. Girls were coming to me with serious problems, things I could never solve, but God taught me to just show love and compassion and most of all, he showed me how to listen. I couldn’t help but to take some of these stories home with me to dwell on in my heart - I came across some really rough stuff!
In March, 6 months into the job, something went awry, and I had a bit of an emotional dilemma when I was struck with this crazy excitement and jitteriness that meant I couldn’t do my job. This elation lasted over a week and was accompanied by an intense headache and nausea that although was very painful, didn’t once get me down, but actually did the opposite and made me laugh when it got intense. It was actually quite scary and I did fear for my sanity, but all the time God was with me, speaking to me and giving me peace throughout. I actually received a lot of revelation from God at this time and read the bible in the times where I couldn’t work.
...nursing home days...
I started work at a nursing home in Worthing, not really knowing what I was letting myself in for. I never realised quite how much poo, wee and dribble there was involved in such a job, but against all odds I actually quite enjoyed it to start with. I say ‘enjoyed ’… it was a challenge and I kinda liked that, but I did actually only manage a month and there were a fair few almost-vomit-moments!
I continued to see Kath while I was working at the home, and I was getting hungrier and hungrier to know more about this ‘God’. I decided to become a Christian while I was working with old people, cleaning willies, wiping up poo and draining wee bags amongst other stuff that makes you cringe thinking about! I talked to my mentor at work about the conversations I’d been having with Kath and I remember a fair few times praying in the toilet for God to give me strength. He did - big time!
One day though I just couldn’t hack it any more… it was one of those days where poo volume was just too much for me to handle! First thingin the morning, one of the men had had diarrhoea in the nighht and it had oozed out of his nappy and covered the bed. We had to hoist him up to change the sheets after we’d cleaned him up and as we moved him to the side, the poo was still a flowing and resulted in the need for a floor cleaning session. The smell was hideous and I almost vomited many times!
Job 2 of the day was to take this very overweight guy to the loo, and because he was so big, he had to use a special commode which stupidly didn’t fit over the toilet. This meant that you had to put a bucket underneath him with a bag in it… the bell rang to indicate that he’d finished, so I went in to wipe his bum, but to my horror this poo was horse-sized (no joke!) and a bit had missed the bucket. Anyway, I gloved myself up, wrapped massive amounts of loo roll round my hand and went in for the wipe… to my relief the guy asked me to come back in a bit as he hadn’t actually finished after all (God only knows how there was more to come!)… so I immediately went to get my mentor as I could not bring myself to go back in there, and she was in a room with this guy that had no legs and was asking her to kill him!!! That was the last straw, I burst into tears and an hour later I’d handed in my notice! It did the trick though… the challenge brought me to God and I now have such huge respect for all those people who wipe bums and change grown-up nappies day in day out! RESPECT!
I didn’t get another job right away after that, instead I took some time to look into the God I’d just submitted my life to. I started to read the bible and pray and walk in the beauty of his creation. I talked to lots of people, asked lots of questions and got severe conflict from my family, (with some really harsh comments to do with my past and my sanity!)
Although I got really upset that my family couldn’t understand the excitement I had, the excitement didn’t go away and I just wanted to know more about God. I started going to church and a house group in the week, and the love and passion and purpose I felt inside me was better than anything I’d ever experienced in drugs or travelling - it was out of this world!
I continued to see Kath while I was working at the home, and I was getting hungrier and hungrier to know more about this ‘God’. I decided to become a Christian while I was working with old people, cleaning willies, wiping up poo and draining wee bags amongst other stuff that makes you cringe thinking about! I talked to my mentor at work about the conversations I’d been having with Kath and I remember a fair few times praying in the toilet for God to give me strength. He did - big time!
One day though I just couldn’t hack it any more… it was one of those days where poo volume was just too much for me to handle! First thingin the morning, one of the men had had diarrhoea in the nighht and it had oozed out of his nappy and covered the bed. We had to hoist him up to change the sheets after we’d cleaned him up and as we moved him to the side, the poo was still a flowing and resulted in the need for a floor cleaning session. The smell was hideous and I almost vomited many times!
Job 2 of the day was to take this very overweight guy to the loo, and because he was so big, he had to use a special commode which stupidly didn’t fit over the toilet. This meant that you had to put a bucket underneath him with a bag in it… the bell rang to indicate that he’d finished, so I went in to wipe his bum, but to my horror this poo was horse-sized (no joke!) and a bit had missed the bucket. Anyway, I gloved myself up, wrapped massive amounts of loo roll round my hand and went in for the wipe… to my relief the guy asked me to come back in a bit as he hadn’t actually finished after all (God only knows how there was more to come!)… so I immediately went to get my mentor as I could not bring myself to go back in there, and she was in a room with this guy that had no legs and was asking her to kill him!!! That was the last straw, I burst into tears and an hour later I’d handed in my notice! It did the trick though… the challenge brought me to God and I now have such huge respect for all those people who wipe bums and change grown-up nappies day in day out! RESPECT!
I didn’t get another job right away after that, instead I took some time to look into the God I’d just submitted my life to. I started to read the bible and pray and walk in the beauty of his creation. I talked to lots of people, asked lots of questions and got severe conflict from my family, (with some really harsh comments to do with my past and my sanity!)
Although I got really upset that my family couldn’t understand the excitement I had, the excitement didn’t go away and I just wanted to know more about God. I started going to church and a house group in the week, and the love and passion and purpose I felt inside me was better than anything I’d ever experienced in drugs or travelling - it was out of this world!
...lovely Kath time...
I was passing by Co-op one day in Goring, just after I’d got back, when that old music teacher, Kath, I’d spoken to about my dad so long ago at school appeared in the window about to do some photo-copying. I knocked on the window and went inside to get my hug. We arranged to meet up and I think I probably went round to hers that week.
She’s a Christian, and a Kiwi so she wanted to hear all about where I’d been and what I’d been up to. She listened excitedly to everything I had to say and asked question about this place and that. Suddenly I had this overwhelming urge to open up to her and I cried quite a lot in the times we met up. Although the travelling had been an amazing experience, that was all it was, an experience. I wanted a new life, I wanted answers to the questions that hadn’t been answered about why the world is how it is, I wanted contentment, direction, meaning...
I went back week after week to chat with Kath and we talked about my family, my friends, my questions, my life, just about anything… and she just listened and genuinely cared. I loved going round there to see her and she was always so welcoming and so helpful in the little she had to say. I asked question after question about God and why she believed in him etc. and I found it absolutely fascinating and had even more questions come up. Although I’d heard stuff about Jesus before from school, I didn’t know anything about what Christians believe in. I remember feeling sorry for Kath so many times listening about her belief in this Jesus guy and thinking how stupid she must be and how desperate to believe in something that for me was so impossible and so blatantly made up.
I remember one day though, when I was round her house, looking out her window and thinking how beautiful the sea was and how far it goes on, just how huge the world was and just how much I didn‘t know about it. We started talking about security and I realised that I didn’t really have any REAL security, and when Kath said that she did, I wanted it! I realised that my family, my money, my body, my ability, my friends, my life… could all vanish in an instant! What did I actually have that I could hold on to? In reality there was nothing!
She’s a Christian, and a Kiwi so she wanted to hear all about where I’d been and what I’d been up to. She listened excitedly to everything I had to say and asked question about this place and that. Suddenly I had this overwhelming urge to open up to her and I cried quite a lot in the times we met up. Although the travelling had been an amazing experience, that was all it was, an experience. I wanted a new life, I wanted answers to the questions that hadn’t been answered about why the world is how it is, I wanted contentment, direction, meaning...
I went back week after week to chat with Kath and we talked about my family, my friends, my questions, my life, just about anything… and she just listened and genuinely cared. I loved going round there to see her and she was always so welcoming and so helpful in the little she had to say. I asked question after question about God and why she believed in him etc. and I found it absolutely fascinating and had even more questions come up. Although I’d heard stuff about Jesus before from school, I didn’t know anything about what Christians believe in. I remember feeling sorry for Kath so many times listening about her belief in this Jesus guy and thinking how stupid she must be and how desperate to believe in something that for me was so impossible and so blatantly made up.
I remember one day though, when I was round her house, looking out her window and thinking how beautiful the sea was and how far it goes on, just how huge the world was and just how much I didn‘t know about it. We started talking about security and I realised that I didn’t really have any REAL security, and when Kath said that she did, I wanted it! I realised that my family, my money, my body, my ability, my friends, my life… could all vanish in an instant! What did I actually have that I could hold on to? In reality there was nothing!
...getting away from it all...
So off I went on my travels - first destination, Fiji, but need to stop and lose my bags in LA on the way to make the journey complete!… what a div… I had to transfer in LA, and I managed to pick up someone else’s bag before going through customs (not as stupid as it sounds! This bag was exactly the same as mine, except the sticker was in a slightly different place and the padlock was different!). I surprisingly didn’t panic much actually, but they wouldn’t let me go back once I’d been through customs so I just had to wait. They reckoned it would be 30 minutes and my transferring flight was leaving in 15... I was ok though (don’t know how but I was!) and I just leant against a wall thinking, ‘I wonder what I’ll have to do if I lose my bag and my flight leaves without me?’ I was quite expecting to have to stay in LA over night actually, but wouldn’t you know it, literally 2 minutes after I realised I’d lost my bag and there was nothing I could do, a girl of similar age to me walked through customs carrying my bag. We politely swapped over and went on our way. I was stared at as I got on the plane with an ‘I was the hold-up’ sticker on my forehead (or might as well have had!) which was so embarrassing!
Fiji was very different from what I’m used to, and I don’t think I slept a wink for the first 3 days due to a ‘what on earth am I doing here’ feeling. The Fijian people are mega friendly and the many islands are absolutely beautiful. Bright turquoise waters and fine golden sand! I still hadn’t really learnt to relax the whole time I was in Fiji though, but I do remember a time when I climbed to the top of a steep hill and sang Stevie Wonder at the top of my lungs to this dog that had decided to follow me, feeling like I was on top of the world.
I spent a lot of time on my own during my travels actually as I wasn’t really after making a whole bunch of new friends, or even particularly having outrageous fun - it was more about learning for me and just having some thinking time to gain perspective for my life. I did meet some great people, but none of whom I’ve kept contact with.
I spent two weeks in Fiji, and after that, I went to New Zealand for 2 months. New Zealand is absolutely stunning, and I pretty much did a tour of the whole country, starting with the North Island where I did a sky dive and walked around a mass of steaming geysers amongst other muchly exciting things.
I then took a train from Aukland to Wellington which pretty much took a whole day but was really beautiful and worth it and I met a lovely girl from Malasia who had a fascinating story to tell while I sat and listened and let the world go by!
I was so fortunate with the weather whilst I was travelling - I mean the day I did the sky-dive was a stunner, and it just seemed to be right for whatever I was doing. When I was on the South Island, I did something called a heli-hike in Franz Josef. This is where you go up an icy mountain in a helicopter to the top and then hike around for a couple of hours checking out the ice caves and the view. The day before I initially planned to do it though, I went on a brewery tour and got absolutely wasted and had to nurse a cracking hangover the next day… the day that the heli-hike was cancelled due to bad weather, no less! The next day the sun was shining bright and the weather was perfect. I remember hearing other people’s stories of how they’d had to miss doing things because the weather had let them down, but I remember writing in my travel journal that ‘the sun seemed to be following me around’.
My travels taught me so much about myself and about the world and about other people. I’d been refined to a ‘simply-Worthing-view’ for so many years and now I was experiencing more of a world view! I remember thinking about the possibility of a god actually when I was on a coach in New Zealand and there was beautiful scenery all around me and a lamb with a bird on it’s back. I just thought, ‘wow, someone must have put this here for me to see!’
After New Zealand I hit Australia which I didn’t make much of actually. It was way too hot for me, and I was supposed to be getting a job and spending 9 months in the place. All I was doing was sweating and feeling exhausted with a constant heat headache. After a few days in the red light district of Sydney, I’d got a pretty negative view of the Aussies (probably not a very accurate one, but none the less I wasn’t enjoying myself)
I stayed with a friend of a friend in Melbourne for about a week after coming from Sydney, but about 3 days before the Christmas of 2004, I decided I wanted to quit my travels and come home. I was supposed to go to Thailand but I’m pretty glad I didn’t coz it was the Tsunami that year and it would’ve been quite likely that I could’ve died! So I tried to book a flight to get me home for Christmas, but there was nothing until Boxing day. When I went to get my tickets sorted though, there’d been a cancellation and I got a flight that landed at Heathrow at 5:30 Christmas day morning… WHAT A BONUS! There was a God!
Worthing looked so different after my time away and I really began to appreciate stuff more. It was like my eyes had been opened and I could at last appreciate what I had.. A great family, a secure home, good friends, the beach… simple things, but none the less, amazing!
Fiji was very different from what I’m used to, and I don’t think I slept a wink for the first 3 days due to a ‘what on earth am I doing here’ feeling. The Fijian people are mega friendly and the many islands are absolutely beautiful. Bright turquoise waters and fine golden sand! I still hadn’t really learnt to relax the whole time I was in Fiji though, but I do remember a time when I climbed to the top of a steep hill and sang Stevie Wonder at the top of my lungs to this dog that had decided to follow me, feeling like I was on top of the world.
I spent a lot of time on my own during my travels actually as I wasn’t really after making a whole bunch of new friends, or even particularly having outrageous fun - it was more about learning for me and just having some thinking time to gain perspective for my life. I did meet some great people, but none of whom I’ve kept contact with.
I spent two weeks in Fiji, and after that, I went to New Zealand for 2 months. New Zealand is absolutely stunning, and I pretty much did a tour of the whole country, starting with the North Island where I did a sky dive and walked around a mass of steaming geysers amongst other muchly exciting things.
I then took a train from Aukland to Wellington which pretty much took a whole day but was really beautiful and worth it and I met a lovely girl from Malasia who had a fascinating story to tell while I sat and listened and let the world go by!
I was so fortunate with the weather whilst I was travelling - I mean the day I did the sky-dive was a stunner, and it just seemed to be right for whatever I was doing. When I was on the South Island, I did something called a heli-hike in Franz Josef. This is where you go up an icy mountain in a helicopter to the top and then hike around for a couple of hours checking out the ice caves and the view. The day before I initially planned to do it though, I went on a brewery tour and got absolutely wasted and had to nurse a cracking hangover the next day… the day that the heli-hike was cancelled due to bad weather, no less! The next day the sun was shining bright and the weather was perfect. I remember hearing other people’s stories of how they’d had to miss doing things because the weather had let them down, but I remember writing in my travel journal that ‘the sun seemed to be following me around’.
My travels taught me so much about myself and about the world and about other people. I’d been refined to a ‘simply-Worthing-view’ for so many years and now I was experiencing more of a world view! I remember thinking about the possibility of a god actually when I was on a coach in New Zealand and there was beautiful scenery all around me and a lamb with a bird on it’s back. I just thought, ‘wow, someone must have put this here for me to see!’
After New Zealand I hit Australia which I didn’t make much of actually. It was way too hot for me, and I was supposed to be getting a job and spending 9 months in the place. All I was doing was sweating and feeling exhausted with a constant heat headache. After a few days in the red light district of Sydney, I’d got a pretty negative view of the Aussies (probably not a very accurate one, but none the less I wasn’t enjoying myself)
I stayed with a friend of a friend in Melbourne for about a week after coming from Sydney, but about 3 days before the Christmas of 2004, I decided I wanted to quit my travels and come home. I was supposed to go to Thailand but I’m pretty glad I didn’t coz it was the Tsunami that year and it would’ve been quite likely that I could’ve died! So I tried to book a flight to get me home for Christmas, but there was nothing until Boxing day. When I went to get my tickets sorted though, there’d been a cancellation and I got a flight that landed at Heathrow at 5:30 Christmas day morning… WHAT A BONUS! There was a God!
Worthing looked so different after my time away and I really began to appreciate stuff more. It was like my eyes had been opened and I could at last appreciate what I had.. A great family, a secure home, good friends, the beach… simple things, but none the less, amazing!
...the big wide world of work...
First job...
Straight after college I got a job at a local builders’ merchants, working as an admin assistant. I really enjoyed the job actually and learnt loads about the big wide world of work. It was a challenge and I loved the people I was working with. They were nearly all a lot older than me which I liked coz I was well looked after.
About 8 months into the job, I got a really nasty 2 month long throat infection that had me bed-ridden and in a lot of pain. It absolutely took it out of me as well, and I couldn’t do much at all so there was a LOT of time to just lie there and do some thinking.
Again, I became quite depressed and lots of ‘questions of life’ cropped up. I started writing down my thoughts and trying to answer the questions I had. Money was an issue that came up a lot, along with gods, poverty, suffering, meaning of life, selfishness and all other things morel. I wrote 19 pages on the computer about all my thoughts actually, and it’s fascinating to read back now that I’m a Christian.
When I was well enough to walk to the local library, I started reading books on healthy eating and educational books about different countries. I turned completely anal about what I was eating and became a total health freak, counting calories and dividing up my food quantities into protein, carbohydrate, fibre, fruit, fat etc… it went crazy and my mum hated me for it! I just had a bit of a revelation while I was ill, as to what I was doing to my body, eating junk, drinking to the stage of vomiting most weekends and smoking skunk in bongs (I wouldn’t be surprised if this wasn’t the reason behind my throat infection in the first place!).
It was at this time I decided I needed to change my life. I couldn’t do all this changing in front of everyone though, I needed to get away, do my changing and then come back as this new purposeful and mature person… yeah right! Anyway, soon after my decision to change I booked flights to take myself off travelling.
Straight after college I got a job at a local builders’ merchants, working as an admin assistant. I really enjoyed the job actually and learnt loads about the big wide world of work. It was a challenge and I loved the people I was working with. They were nearly all a lot older than me which I liked coz I was well looked after.
About 8 months into the job, I got a really nasty 2 month long throat infection that had me bed-ridden and in a lot of pain. It absolutely took it out of me as well, and I couldn’t do much at all so there was a LOT of time to just lie there and do some thinking.
Again, I became quite depressed and lots of ‘questions of life’ cropped up. I started writing down my thoughts and trying to answer the questions I had. Money was an issue that came up a lot, along with gods, poverty, suffering, meaning of life, selfishness and all other things morel. I wrote 19 pages on the computer about all my thoughts actually, and it’s fascinating to read back now that I’m a Christian.
When I was well enough to walk to the local library, I started reading books on healthy eating and educational books about different countries. I turned completely anal about what I was eating and became a total health freak, counting calories and dividing up my food quantities into protein, carbohydrate, fibre, fruit, fat etc… it went crazy and my mum hated me for it! I just had a bit of a revelation while I was ill, as to what I was doing to my body, eating junk, drinking to the stage of vomiting most weekends and smoking skunk in bongs (I wouldn’t be surprised if this wasn’t the reason behind my throat infection in the first place!).
It was at this time I decided I needed to change my life. I couldn’t do all this changing in front of everyone though, I needed to get away, do my changing and then come back as this new purposeful and mature person… yeah right! Anyway, soon after my decision to change I booked flights to take myself off travelling.
...prom...'woman'...college
At the close of high school, at prom, I decided it was a good time to do the deed and become a ‘woman’… what a huge mistake! I didn’t enjoy prom all that much if I’m honest, mainly because we weren’t allowed alcohol and I just wanted to get wasted as I didn’t have much to say to people and I felt quite uncomfortable in my dress. I left early with my friend and went to hers where we started on the alco-pops and got ready for the after-party which was due to be much more fun…
Well I got absolutely wasted and decided it was time to get sex. I did the most appalling thing and asked a group of boys, ‘Who wants to have sex with me?’ when one guy said yes, I walked him to my friend’s summer house, prostitute style, and we fumbled around uncomfortably in the dark, all the while I was wishing I could run away but didn’t. I had tights on which caused a bit of confusion with my chosen partner, yet we got past that hurdle, and once he’d worked out how to use a condom, we did the business (with my tights still round my ankles and my throat hurting from holding back the tears). Yeah, not the ideal way to make ‘love’ for the first time. Once it was all over, I cried to my friends but was so hammered that I brushed it off quite easily. I still remember the horror of it though, to this day!
College time... I think it was quite early days at college when I had some sort of virus a bit like glandular fever. I had major tonsillitis and humungous golf-ball like glands in my neck along with other aches and pains and quite serious depression. This was about the time I was going out with my longest-term boyfriend, Warren. He was 3 years older than me and we got on really well…at first. I think I must have been such a nightmare girlfriend. I had way too many issues, and was incredibly clingy and untrusting of him, poor guy. We did have a sexual relationship, quite frequently in fact, but I don’t remember one time when we had sex that I hadn’t been drinking before hand. I never felt comfortable or particularly satisfied I have to admit, and also, there was no way I was gonna let him see me naked as my self-esteem was no better! Bit of a tricky situation in all!
I pretty much stopped smoking when I was going out with Warren coz he asked me to, but drinking surely became more frequent, and I lied to him about all the bongs I was smoking on the sly!
It was the second year of college, when me and Warren had split up, that the cannabis smoking became pretty much daily and much more potent, and as my tolerance went up, so did the amount I was smoking! I really didn’t enjoy the second year of college - I was incredibly self-conscious and struggled hugely with motivation and I don’t think smoking a joint before my maths lessons helped all that much with concentration and understanding (although at times, being spaced out was a help and I saw maths like I never had before!! I’m not condoning it however!)
College parties were frequent and messy and there was a lot of ‘boy action’ and the like. I had to be centre of attention on the dance floor., I liked to make my presence known! I’d be downing doubles like there was no tomorrow and sneaking in skunk filled commercial cigarettes that I‘d taken literally hours to prepare before hand.
College really wasn’t a joy for me, however it might have looked on the outside… I was properly screwed up inside and just crying for help and someone to understand me… I was relieved when it was over.
Well I got absolutely wasted and decided it was time to get sex. I did the most appalling thing and asked a group of boys, ‘Who wants to have sex with me?’ when one guy said yes, I walked him to my friend’s summer house, prostitute style, and we fumbled around uncomfortably in the dark, all the while I was wishing I could run away but didn’t. I had tights on which caused a bit of confusion with my chosen partner, yet we got past that hurdle, and once he’d worked out how to use a condom, we did the business (with my tights still round my ankles and my throat hurting from holding back the tears). Yeah, not the ideal way to make ‘love’ for the first time. Once it was all over, I cried to my friends but was so hammered that I brushed it off quite easily. I still remember the horror of it though, to this day!
College time... I think it was quite early days at college when I had some sort of virus a bit like glandular fever. I had major tonsillitis and humungous golf-ball like glands in my neck along with other aches and pains and quite serious depression. This was about the time I was going out with my longest-term boyfriend, Warren. He was 3 years older than me and we got on really well…at first. I think I must have been such a nightmare girlfriend. I had way too many issues, and was incredibly clingy and untrusting of him, poor guy. We did have a sexual relationship, quite frequently in fact, but I don’t remember one time when we had sex that I hadn’t been drinking before hand. I never felt comfortable or particularly satisfied I have to admit, and also, there was no way I was gonna let him see me naked as my self-esteem was no better! Bit of a tricky situation in all!
I pretty much stopped smoking when I was going out with Warren coz he asked me to, but drinking surely became more frequent, and I lied to him about all the bongs I was smoking on the sly!
It was the second year of college, when me and Warren had split up, that the cannabis smoking became pretty much daily and much more potent, and as my tolerance went up, so did the amount I was smoking! I really didn’t enjoy the second year of college - I was incredibly self-conscious and struggled hugely with motivation and I don’t think smoking a joint before my maths lessons helped all that much with concentration and understanding (although at times, being spaced out was a help and I saw maths like I never had before!! I’m not condoning it however!)
College parties were frequent and messy and there was a lot of ‘boy action’ and the like. I had to be centre of attention on the dance floor., I liked to make my presence known! I’d be downing doubles like there was no tomorrow and sneaking in skunk filled commercial cigarettes that I‘d taken literally hours to prepare before hand.
College really wasn’t a joy for me, however it might have looked on the outside… I was properly screwed up inside and just crying for help and someone to understand me… I was relieved when it was over.
My testimony... in bits... school days...
THIS IS MY LIFE STORY…
I went to The Angmering School from the age of 11. I did quite enjoy my school days and was quite good at it in regards to lessons and performance. I got good GCSE’s but was really quite self-conscious about my work and wouldn’t let my parents watch any music things I was in and I wouldn’t show them my art for fear of failure and rejection I guess. I was embarrassed of my self and didn’t want to be a let down.
I don’t think I was a particularly good friend when I was at school, I was pretty much a picker and chooser in that if someone tickled my fancy I’d like them, and if someone did something to get on my nerves I didn’t like them (and I’d probably bitch about them quite severely behind their back). I guess I was a typical teenager in that sense and had a few hair-pulling cat-fight incidents!
I would say I was in the ‘cool crowd’ although I never felt at home there and was constantly trying to impress everyone which just NEVER works - I think I would’ve been a lot more at home in the ‘muppet’ crowd come to think of it!!! But then again, I probably would’ve been bullied by people like me. I was a real bitch at times and I caused a lot of pain to a lot of people for which I am so utterly sorry now! I think my lack of self-esteem showed itself in how I treated others actually and I tried to make myself feel better by making other’s lives a misery. I don’t know why my self-esteem was so low…
While I was in year 7, moving into year 8, my dad got bowel cancer and that freaked me out big time. I didn’t actually know what a bowel was and remember looking it up in the ‘Readers Digest Family Health’ book when I found out he was gonna have to have a ‘colostomy bag,’ whatever that was! I also remember trying to write down what was happening to my friends because I couldn’t talk, but I didn’t know how to spell ‘tumour’ and frankly I wasn’t sure what it was anyway.
Pretty much, I prepared myself for my dad to die. I became quite depressed at this time and remember a considerable amount of time coming home from school and going to my room bawling my eyes out and turning up my music. I ate a lot of food as well! I also tried to talk to my music teacher about it, going to her office most mornings when I got to school early, and just crying at her. I couldn’t bring myself to say the word ‘colostomy’ and I remember her making me write it down and I felt so stupid. I was in a right state! I hated my dad for a considerable amount of time, though I couldn’t tell you why except that when he didn’t die, I then had to adjust again to the fact that he was still around. Also, I found all the stuff that was in the bathroom and the funny smell he left behind when he’d come out mortifyingly embarrassing. I had issues!
I started smoking when I was probably about 13, spending my lunchtimes behind the bike sheds or ‘up the field’ at school and going down the park and to East Preston youth club in the evenings. I remember in year 9 as well, taking quite a bit of alcohol to school and keeping it in my locker until ’sleepover time’ when we’d stay round somebody’s house after being down the park drinking, flirting and getting up to no good. Looking back… what a muppet!
I went to The Angmering School from the age of 11. I did quite enjoy my school days and was quite good at it in regards to lessons and performance. I got good GCSE’s but was really quite self-conscious about my work and wouldn’t let my parents watch any music things I was in and I wouldn’t show them my art for fear of failure and rejection I guess. I was embarrassed of my self and didn’t want to be a let down.
I don’t think I was a particularly good friend when I was at school, I was pretty much a picker and chooser in that if someone tickled my fancy I’d like them, and if someone did something to get on my nerves I didn’t like them (and I’d probably bitch about them quite severely behind their back). I guess I was a typical teenager in that sense and had a few hair-pulling cat-fight incidents!
I would say I was in the ‘cool crowd’ although I never felt at home there and was constantly trying to impress everyone which just NEVER works - I think I would’ve been a lot more at home in the ‘muppet’ crowd come to think of it!!! But then again, I probably would’ve been bullied by people like me. I was a real bitch at times and I caused a lot of pain to a lot of people for which I am so utterly sorry now! I think my lack of self-esteem showed itself in how I treated others actually and I tried to make myself feel better by making other’s lives a misery. I don’t know why my self-esteem was so low…
While I was in year 7, moving into year 8, my dad got bowel cancer and that freaked me out big time. I didn’t actually know what a bowel was and remember looking it up in the ‘Readers Digest Family Health’ book when I found out he was gonna have to have a ‘colostomy bag,’ whatever that was! I also remember trying to write down what was happening to my friends because I couldn’t talk, but I didn’t know how to spell ‘tumour’ and frankly I wasn’t sure what it was anyway.
Pretty much, I prepared myself for my dad to die. I became quite depressed at this time and remember a considerable amount of time coming home from school and going to my room bawling my eyes out and turning up my music. I ate a lot of food as well! I also tried to talk to my music teacher about it, going to her office most mornings when I got to school early, and just crying at her. I couldn’t bring myself to say the word ‘colostomy’ and I remember her making me write it down and I felt so stupid. I was in a right state! I hated my dad for a considerable amount of time, though I couldn’t tell you why except that when he didn’t die, I then had to adjust again to the fact that he was still around. Also, I found all the stuff that was in the bathroom and the funny smell he left behind when he’d come out mortifyingly embarrassing. I had issues!
I started smoking when I was probably about 13, spending my lunchtimes behind the bike sheds or ‘up the field’ at school and going down the park and to East Preston youth club in the evenings. I remember in year 9 as well, taking quite a bit of alcohol to school and keeping it in my locker until ’sleepover time’ when we’d stay round somebody’s house after being down the park drinking, flirting and getting up to no good. Looking back… what a muppet!
Thursday, 15 March 2007
All you need is love...
I had this idea of doing a God blog - for my own use really as I'm struggling to spend time with God and be motivated to seek him... to write down all I hear from God and any Scripture that stands out to me, any revelation I get, any prayers I have... but I guess I don't know where to start as God's being pretty silent at the moment (but then again I'm not exactly asking him to speak!!)
I'm just gonna start with this from Matthew 7 coz it came to me this morning and it made me think about just how awesome God is and how his first priority isn't how well we do performance-wise, it's not about how many people we bring to him, it's not about how good we are or how spiritual or how many times we pray each day... it's all about love - he wants us to love him and spend time with him, a genuine relationship is what he's after - honest, whole hearted time with God:
'Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me you evildoers!'
Ouch! Well now I'm thinking I'm a bit of a spoilt-brat child of God, expecting him to make me happy and provide for me how I want him to if I do this or that for him! I always find it difficult to understand that what God wants is my love and not a spiritual performance and perfection. I think I know it, but when it actually comes to living it out, I always want to impress people before showing my genuine love for God... my priorities need a bit of a jumble! Don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting it to be an instant transformation where everything I do is for Jesus, but I have realised that it's not something I remind myself of very frequently and I think I could find a fair bit os Scripture to help me re-jig my priorities and do a bit of daily meditation or whatever to remind myself what my life is actually all about!
I mean obedience to the Spirit is another huge issue that crops up out of this verse, 'doing the will of the Father.' I guess that when you really show your love for God and are eager to spend time with him and seek him, that out of that love, obedience will come more naturally. A bit like a relationship with a person. When you love somebody you want to do things to please them and to make them smile. Also though when you spend time with somebody, you get to know what they like and dislike and you get to know more of their character.
I think a key to gaining passion for God is an understanding of who he is, that he is a soveriegn and fully good God who does everything out of love, whether we can see that or not. His discipline and correction for us is out of love, and in all our pain he loves us and comforts us and feels our pain too, and unless you can trust God with all you have because he gave you every last bit of it, when bad things happen you're gonna go into panic or depression mode. But God gives and he takes away and it's all for the greater good at the end of the day, whether we can get that or not! God himself tells us not to be anxious about anything, but to pray and be thankful (Philippians 4:6). God has it all under control! Sometimes when God asks you to do crazy things or when your life is turned upside down, I guess it's only when you have built up a trust in him that you can be obedient and peaceful, knowing that 'in all things God works for the good of those who love him...' (Romans 8:28)
People go through real shit in life - I mean there's so much disgusting stuff that's happening all around us; rape, murder, sickness, disease, deceit, corruption, hatred... But when I think that nothing is hidden from God, and that he knows every motive, every hurt, every angry thought, every anxiety and every heartbeat and has it all under control and knows where it's leading, it kinda makes you wonder why we worry so much in the first place! Again, it says in Matthew 6 about how worrying doesn't get you anywhere, 'Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?' - so true! Worry just leads to seperation from God because we're not trusting that he has it sorted.
Again, don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting to have some deep transformation in my being that means I never worry again because I've realised it doesn't get me anywhere, but it's interesting to think about don't you think!?
Lord I thank you for all that you are. That you love me whatever and that everything is in your hands. I praise you for your beautiful and absolutely awesome creation and all the ways you show your love and your character in what you've made. I thank you Lord Jesus that you call me your friend and that I can have confidence in knowing that I am a child of the Living God all due to what you did when you died on the cross and rose again giving all who choose to believe in you new life, a brand new start. I thank you that you call me holy and blameless in your name and that I can come before the Father with freedom and confidence, speaking as his adored child. I pray that you will help me to trust you and to be obedient and open to what your Holy Spirit is saying and where you're guiding me and what you're teaching me in different situations. I pray that my friends and family will know more of your love and have the peace from you that transcends all understanding. God I ask that you will help me to be an encouragement to others and that I will be a light that guides people to you, someone who expresses your love. I pray that you will give me understanding and wisdom and that you will keep me on the right path, loving you and sharing your love. In Jesus' name. Amen
I'm just gonna start with this from Matthew 7 coz it came to me this morning and it made me think about just how awesome God is and how his first priority isn't how well we do performance-wise, it's not about how many people we bring to him, it's not about how good we are or how spiritual or how many times we pray each day... it's all about love - he wants us to love him and spend time with him, a genuine relationship is what he's after - honest, whole hearted time with God:
'Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me you evildoers!'
Ouch! Well now I'm thinking I'm a bit of a spoilt-brat child of God, expecting him to make me happy and provide for me how I want him to if I do this or that for him! I always find it difficult to understand that what God wants is my love and not a spiritual performance and perfection. I think I know it, but when it actually comes to living it out, I always want to impress people before showing my genuine love for God... my priorities need a bit of a jumble! Don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting it to be an instant transformation where everything I do is for Jesus, but I have realised that it's not something I remind myself of very frequently and I think I could find a fair bit os Scripture to help me re-jig my priorities and do a bit of daily meditation or whatever to remind myself what my life is actually all about!
I mean obedience to the Spirit is another huge issue that crops up out of this verse, 'doing the will of the Father.' I guess that when you really show your love for God and are eager to spend time with him and seek him, that out of that love, obedience will come more naturally. A bit like a relationship with a person. When you love somebody you want to do things to please them and to make them smile. Also though when you spend time with somebody, you get to know what they like and dislike and you get to know more of their character.
I think a key to gaining passion for God is an understanding of who he is, that he is a soveriegn and fully good God who does everything out of love, whether we can see that or not. His discipline and correction for us is out of love, and in all our pain he loves us and comforts us and feels our pain too, and unless you can trust God with all you have because he gave you every last bit of it, when bad things happen you're gonna go into panic or depression mode. But God gives and he takes away and it's all for the greater good at the end of the day, whether we can get that or not! God himself tells us not to be anxious about anything, but to pray and be thankful (Philippians 4:6). God has it all under control! Sometimes when God asks you to do crazy things or when your life is turned upside down, I guess it's only when you have built up a trust in him that you can be obedient and peaceful, knowing that 'in all things God works for the good of those who love him...' (Romans 8:28)
People go through real shit in life - I mean there's so much disgusting stuff that's happening all around us; rape, murder, sickness, disease, deceit, corruption, hatred... But when I think that nothing is hidden from God, and that he knows every motive, every hurt, every angry thought, every anxiety and every heartbeat and has it all under control and knows where it's leading, it kinda makes you wonder why we worry so much in the first place! Again, it says in Matthew 6 about how worrying doesn't get you anywhere, 'Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?' - so true! Worry just leads to seperation from God because we're not trusting that he has it sorted.
Again, don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting to have some deep transformation in my being that means I never worry again because I've realised it doesn't get me anywhere, but it's interesting to think about don't you think!?
Lord I thank you for all that you are. That you love me whatever and that everything is in your hands. I praise you for your beautiful and absolutely awesome creation and all the ways you show your love and your character in what you've made. I thank you Lord Jesus that you call me your friend and that I can have confidence in knowing that I am a child of the Living God all due to what you did when you died on the cross and rose again giving all who choose to believe in you new life, a brand new start. I thank you that you call me holy and blameless in your name and that I can come before the Father with freedom and confidence, speaking as his adored child. I pray that you will help me to trust you and to be obedient and open to what your Holy Spirit is saying and where you're guiding me and what you're teaching me in different situations. I pray that my friends and family will know more of your love and have the peace from you that transcends all understanding. God I ask that you will help me to be an encouragement to others and that I will be a light that guides people to you, someone who expresses your love. I pray that you will give me understanding and wisdom and that you will keep me on the right path, loving you and sharing your love. In Jesus' name. Amen
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